My journey from thinking I would be a perfect Christian to feeling more like a heathen
I grew up in a household that would oscillate between being very strict about religious practices and very lax about them. Religion was always a concern and would come up often in my home life. I read the book when I was in elementary school, and at church, I learned that it was a love story of how much God cares for his people and prepares the children of Zion as though they are the bride getting ready for a groom. That made the Bible an interesting adventure and a sign of the love that God has for me as well. That no matter what I do, I would be able to repent and receive forgiveness along with the support of the Holy Spirit to guide me through temptation.
I was so adamant in my faith in a loving God that I was upset when we read “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” by a preacher many years ago in middle school who talked of God holding us as though we were a spider over the fires of hell. It was frustrating. It also didn’t work well with my belief that God wouldn’t send us to hell because if we are created in God’s image and loved as much as we are, then there would be no purpose in sending us to suffer eternally for mistakes we made on earth. All people are worthy of love and being saved.
The mistakes I felt like I would likely make were definitely more along the lines of fornication or adultery. The former because sex seems like fun, and even though I was trying to put precautions into place to avoid it (allow my boyfriends to cheat if they needed sex, be a good girl, and wait until marriage – also find a man who is a “reformed” man-whore and have him teach me things and know what to do because two first-timers on a wedding night sounds awful). The latter is more complex because I have heard that fornication could be seen as adultery because you are sleeping with people who you are not married to, that the first person you sleep with is seen as your husband, or that any form of marriage then separation then recommitting to the first spouse is also adultery. I am not clear on what definition fits for me, but I do know that I do my best to be a decent person and to have faith. My faith has been wavering, and I trust that something greater than me is looking out for me.
I have gone from being a very Christian child who was set on staying a virgin until marriage to a college third year who was eager to toss the mantle of oppression and to discover what my body was capable of on my own. Even though my mom was religious, she would also let me know that sex was fun and she would tell me some tips when I was married. As the studious child I was, I figured she would know more about such things than me, know patterns in our family, and would be a source capable of stepping outside of herself if she was eager to embarrass me a little (I might have videos on YouTube of this, but she was hinting at giving me weird advice that would make me blush – instead I like to make her blush haha) while being productive in my relationship to a committed partner. It was all of the motivation I needed to begin confiding in her and to also explore.
In addition to a sex positive mom, I also met a lot of people who would let me know that I needed to explore my body myself, that knowing how to receive pleasure begins with me, and there were other kids around my age and older that we would explore the internet together and see what was offered. If it wasn’t for cable tv and the internet coming to popularity as I was growing up, I’m not sure how much of a sex goddess I would be now. I have been able to learn a lot from technology.
There were also a lot of books that I would read on the subject. I have always loved reading and libraries. In high school, someone let me borrow my first romantic novel that involved a vampire coming from behind a woman either in her dream or an actual scene between the two, and it was really fun to read. It was a spark in romance novels being interested, and I would use a kindle to rent some out on kindle unlimited. I would also use the library often and used the Dewey Decimal System to see that there was a section on sex and sexuality (HQ if you’re curious, and this is from memory there are other related sections around it). I even completed work study as a library worker and loved it. I would read books about sex workers, women and how they operate, and more. I was always struggling to understand the world around me and my place within in, and I was also very curious about the way we view and use sex within our lives. Many movies make sex seem like it is a bit of a tool, weapon, or meaningful marker in a relationship because there is a battle of the sexes and a battle amongst women. Men are the only ones who seem as though they don’t care much about their exes getting with their friends. My dad even made a joke about him and my uncle swapping girlfriends because it made a story he told better and funnier.
“To know and not do is not to know.” This quote is one that initially upset me because I tend to know many things theoretically without experience to back it up. It also was a prompt in me needing to do things to have the true, intimate knowledge of how things work and operate within the world. I could not just know a diagram of sex or my body and think I was a master of myself, I would need to be able to play and see how things went.
Experience is the best teacher. I used to strive to learn from the mistakes of others, until one day I realized that I was only boxing myself in to a set of rules that didn’t mean anything to me. It is only through doing and trying that we learn our own boundaries. Some may not be able to handle the life of promiscuity, and that is perfect! We need to explore and learn what works for us, personally, because no one really knows what we need in order to become the people we are meant to be.
Religion can lead to a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to intimate relationships, and it can be tough to let go. Whether you have felt it or are nervous about it, whatever path you choose, I hope you make the choice as informed and with a knowing of how you respond to breaking the rules that were set forth for you. Our personal values are most important when it comes to living our lives. If they coincide with your religious teachings, then stick to them, and if they don’t, I wish you the courage to confront what isn’t working and to choose for yourself whether it be eating food of your choice or taking control of your sexuality.
