As I do research on building a business and becoming the best version of myself, I can see how I have perfectionist patterns that make it challenging for me to focus on getting things done, mastering my craft, or taking actions that would add up to the major results that I desire. I recently had a conversation with someone who let me know that I tend towards impatience and wishful thinking as her husband tends to do. I was also told that I would need compassion towards myself to make sure I grow from my experiences instead of brushing off my challenges with humor and as though they do not mean anything in the grand scheme of my life.
Growing up, I was told that people don’t care about my feelings or, essentially, me as I am a sensitive, emotional person who feels deeply and tends toward intense passion instead of the bland responses many seem to easily muster in the face of life. This prompted me to be sensitive towards other and caring for the feelings they may not be expressing and not giving myself the nurturing that I needed in order to feel as though I belonged or were safe in the world. It’s interesting because much of the direct, negative feedback came from my dad, but my mom’s family would reenforce the lessons he shared by their actions and conversations: I was a child to stay in a child’s place, I was to be seen and not heard, I was to make sure I did not ask for anything because it hurt my mom to not be able to afford it, and I was definitely not to be disrespectful out of fear for repercussions (this one continues to this day as I was not able to make a plate without having someone watch over my shoulder, then that person was warned that I was starting to have an attitude as the bad one I had been branded with in childhood even though I am not far from thirty years of age).
With the foundation of not holding people accountable for changing their behavior, I put all of the pressure for maintaining a decent relationship onto myself. It is my job to forgive any wrongs, to deal with my emotions, to heal anything that gets broken within me, and to make sure I am polite to others whether they deserve it or not because I am to be as respectful and cordial as possible no matter what. This is the mindset of a child who learned that A’s make people respect you, being smart is a good thing, and that accomplishments are what matters in life. The challenge of breaking out of this mindset is that I no longer have a clear path forward, I am now responsible for setting my life’s “curriculum,” and I am very in love with ideas and thinking over taking solid action. It is challenging to find my place and know what to do with myself.
I hold myself to nearly impossible standards and expect myself to come out of the gate strong and ready to take things on. Part of this may be due to being an athlete and knowing that with practice I can accomplish a lot on game day or when it comes time to perform. The challenge with life and building a business is that any moment could be the moment when the meaningful action needs to be taken and things start moving on an unexpected path and a trajectory towards the long awaited success becoming fulfilled. As I pontificate and ponder over the minute details of my business ideas, I lose time on developing actually leads, making my website, building a blog, or sharing my true thoughts and what would make a difference in my life and those of people who are ready for what I have to say. It boils down to using these impossible standards to keep myself out of the game and to stay a little fearful yet justifying my inaction with the research and analysis that holds me in motion instead of taking action (as shared in Atomic Habits).
I fear wasting the time of those who invest their energy into me or what I have to offer, that I am not adding value, and that I will never reach my goals. I fear that I am inadequate and was not built for the dreams that bring me joy in visualizing and imagining what it would be like to live a life of wealth, grace, ease, and unconditional, free love. I put others ahead of my desire to express my truth because I have been conditioned to think of the other person, to make sure others are safe from my emotions, and that I am the problem in my relationships which leads me to assume that my problems are mine alone and have nothing to do with the other person. As I have done a lot of work in the transformational space seeking ways to live the life of my dreams, it tends to reenforce the idea that life is a mirror and all I see is myself and the pieces of me that I love and that I hate within the people and events I witness. This is the most challenging belief that I have because it forces me to learn what I would like to be from others and it also leads me to adapt and adjust potential behaviors I may witness within myself when I see others who are doing things that I do not enjoy and would not like to display within myself. I hold myself to a high standard of my own values, yet I use what I see around me to figure out what that means instead of just creating my own rules and way of life.
Brendon Burchard is one of the motivational leaders I follow, and he said that perfectionism is more of an excuse to do nothing than a pursuit of excellence. There is a difference between being obsessed about performance and improving versus creating blocks to getting anything done. I may not feel ready for what is next, and I know that I am committed to being open and growing instead of continuing to hold myself back in fear and shame. The shame of who I think I am which is all of the things I fear I may do to other people. I have been protecting others from me because I thought I was a monster.
What next?
I do not have the answers to creating a healthy perspective around performance and achievement. I have done a lot of research and there is a lot of information I could share, and it would not be backed up by my personal experience. The experience I have had was getting a college degree and hitting a point where I definitely accepted that “C’s get degrees” when I could tell my obsession with the honor roll was taking a toll on me. I was able to relax my standards and accept that I can only do what I can do at various points, and it is more of a Hail Mary move than it is my regular practice.
I am working towards having fewer goals that I would like to accomplish, focusing on less areas of improvement or creation, and allowing myself to have more time to get a task done instead of rushing through to completion. There are few tasks that will take a day to complete, and there is definitely no mastery in rushing or skipping steps. I have mostly dabbled or hacked my way through my education. I know a lot of things and have an understanding of fundamentals that allow me to learn quickly and to recreate what I see, and it will take focus and effort for me to truly sit and master something in my adult life. I used to play the clarinet on a daily basis out of fun of playing music and learning more notes. I used to make sure I gave every practice my all while I was running track. Now that I have a knowledge based job, I find it tough to sit and create code or to program solutions that would make my life easier because I tend towards distraction when I get on the computer or use technology. I have studied the data deluge and am also a victim of its siren call.
My plan is nonexistent, and my intention is muddled. Even with this hazy foundation, I know that as I confront my behavior and beliefs, I will forge a path towards clarity and action that will allow me to become the woman of my dreams and to stop punishing myself for being human while growing into a calm, compassionate, and curious version of myself that can handle anything that comes my way.
